Question: While out shopping I had a unique listening experience on one of the local Western New York polka shows. There is a radio program called "Talk of the Town" hosted by Dan McBride that follows Mike Pasierb's "Rockin Polkas" show on WXRL AM. The guy takes song requests and has a talk show. One of our local WNY hunters called in thinking he had the polka show. He requested "The Second Week of Deer Camp" because, as he put it: "it is a Polish tradition that they play the song during hunting season." The host had never heard of the song so the caller proceeded to sing a couple of bars (perhaps after having been in a couple of bars) in his East Side brogue. Now the big question: is "The Second Week of Deer Camp" a Polish tradition? If you do not know, maybe I should ask Stas Bulanda. P.C. Orchard Park, N.Y.

A. "The Second Week of Deer Camp" is not a Polish tradition. Neither is "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer," "The Bird Dance," Jimmy Dean's "Mother's Day" diatribe, nor Chicago Push's "Witch Doctor" polka, although the latter has proven popular during those "Disney Salutes Chicago's Polka Legends" cruise package weekends. The reason these songs, and far too many others, have become associated with the polka community is the result of many factors. However, they can ultimately be traced to the efforts of Hall of Famer, Richie Tokarz. Tokarz, for those of you born after 1974, is responsible for lyrics on a host of classic "holiday" recordings, most of which were done for Chicago polka legend, Li'l Richard. Many polka fans have in their collection a cache of Tokarz-penned hits. But most are probably unaware that it was his pen that brought us Li'l Richard's "Easter Album," "Li'l Richard's Polka Arbor Day," his crossover smash: "You Don't Have to be Jewish to Hora," and the unforgettable "Li'l Richard Presents: Songs for the Julian Calendar." Side note: Neophytes to the world of older polka albums should take care that the disks they purchase are by Li'l Richard and not Little Richard. The latter is a rock legend who sports a pompadour, wears lipstick and makeup, and sings "Tutti Frutti." To the best of the Wiseguy's knowledge, the former does not sing "Tutti Frutti." Tokarz has all but given up lyric-writing in favor of old cars, young women, middle-age scotch and the Ironman Triathalon. And it is for this very reason that songs like "The Second Day of Deer Camp" have rushed into fill the awful void created by this Ray Stevens of polka music. If you see Rich anywhere, tell him to get writing again. And quick. The polka needs him.

Question: What gives with the names of polka bands? It seems that you're not a polka band unless you have "tones," "aires," "brass" or "& his" in your name. L.G. Fort Wayne, Ind.

A. While this was true for a very long time (one polka scholar has documented the suffix "tones" to 438 A.D.)1, this practice took an abrupt turn in 1971 when "Twisted Polka Sister" came onto the scene with their own wacky melding of polka and suicide-inducing metal. Although their career was short-lived (they played a communion party and a church lawn fete before abandoning polkas for monastic life), they nonetheless opened the door for others to adopt new and exciting names. Soon, bands like "The Boys," "Girls, Girls, Girls," "Polka Soul," and "Morrie's Revenge" were sharing the stage with leaders of famous "tones" and "aires" bands like Blazonczyk, Piwowarczyk and Adamczyk.2 Fisticuffs often ensued as purists taunted the upstarts with phrases like: "You guys don't know czyk from shinola." This practice lasted well into the mid-1980s, at which time we saw the genesis of many bands that are now household names. Several notable examples include: "Confident Combo," the precursor to today's "Brave Combo," "Henny and the Versa-I's," "Schenectady Polka Richie," and "Lenny Gomulka & the Chicago Nudge."3 Almost concurrently, bands began shortening their names through the use of a process called "initialization." Thus, "The Brass Connection" became "TBC," "Toledo PolkaMotion" moved to "TPM," "Larry's Snappy Danceband" tried "LSD," and the "Salt Lake Eagles' Dancing Zither Interactive Experience" cleverly opted for "SLEDZIE" (though their concept disc, "SLEDZIE: Not Just for New Year's Anymore," suffered from dismal sales. It should be noted that the process was not without its shortcomings. Famed group "Happy Iggie's Vagabonds" tried initializing and, for obvious reasons, fell on hard times. In 1994 (July 5, to be exact), this practice took yet another detour on the road to obscurity. Described by polka scholars as the "neo-banner renaissance,"4 bands returned to their roots. And once again began using "tones," "aires," and "& his" in their titles. Examples of this do not immediately come to mind, but suffice it to say they're out there, and we've beat this dead horse to a pulp.

1. Kukurydza, David. "Polka Bands of the 5th Century and Their Names." Unpublished.
2. While Blazonczyk had the Versatones and Piwowarczyk worked with the Hi-Notes ("Notes" being yet another classic name suffix), Adamczyk crossed the barrier far ahead of anyone else when, after seeing his boys in action at local eatery Mount Pindo's, he called his group the Hungry Six.
3. When asked about the name ("When Push Comes to Shove," Polka Times, June 19, 1984), Gomulka explained the name of first version of the Chicago Push was a typographical error.
4. Kukurydza, David. "I'm Not Really a Polka Scholar," Cattaraugus County Court Records, liber 324.

Question: What is the story with the "legalization" of bootleg polka tapes and other live polka recordings? I have received e-mail from polka band leaders who are happy that their live music is being broadcast over the internet. Are these guys clueless? Or, as I suspect, are they making money off these internet deals? I thought the record companies owned the rights to each band's performances as long as they were on their labels. Lars Ulrich would have a field day with this. P.O. -Elizabeth, N.J.

A. Well, I can see why you are certainly p.o.'d, P.O.! I don't think it's fair, either, but I learned years ago that polkas are fueled by egos not by money. That is why some bands make the paltry sums they do. Would you spend 23 hours in a bench seat-equipped Ford Windstar just to get to a four-hour gig? I'd sooner have a colonoscopy. But hundreds of bands do it (travel, that is-though some also have the colonoscopy). You see them passing on the nation's interstates, waving to each other as they go, comrades in fiscal futility. So someone else making money off their recordings is really no cause for alarm. However, exclude their recording from a compilation disc or leave their name off a flyer and there'll be hell to pay, you can bank on it. The real sad part (and the grand irony for those of you into that sort of thing) is that not even the polka web music-pirates are making money. They, alas and alack, spend precious parts of their lifetimes converting polkas to MP3 and other usable internet formats and usually won't see a penny for their efforts - but they get their name on a banner ad and that to them is invaluable. Remember the cats on the internet chat groups who "demanded" polkas become more professional? It would seem they got their wish. And people wonder if the Polka Wiseguy will ever run out stuff to write about! Not until Rome is charcoal, boys!

Question: I am sick of people saying "It's not your grandfather's polka music anymore." To me, it is my grandfather's music. If I wanted listen to my kid's music, I'd be dancing to the Goo Goo Dolls. So, Wiseguy, give me some snappy retorts to these losers who get on my nerves. -S. P., Pearl City, IL

Our team of writers, the cracks that they are, came up with these:

1. As a matter of fact it is my grandfather's music. Now drop dead.
2. Judy Spitak likes me and 150 USPA trophies must count for something.
3. Who died and made you an IPA elector.
4. Check out the smile on that cupcake!
5. Styx and Stones and Dynatones, but you can't hurt the Man of Steel.
6. Oh yeah! Well I've been playing polkas since Stan Kozak had hair!
7. Yeah, like your grandfather could listen to polkas at Attica.
8. You are so dumb you think Bel-Aire is a bathroom freshener.
9. If ignorance were a polka dance you'd be Seven Springs.
10. My grandfather's music? My grandfather perished at the Battle of the Marne, making this country a better place in which to listen to the music of our choice, you insensitive boor.